In which I discuss how much I learned about sex in Europe, how much we still have to learn in the US, and what I and perhaps you are going to do about it.
Once you have been able to enjoy a basic orgasmic experience–this means clitoral orgasms by yourself and with a partner, and g-spot orgasms as well–you can, if you choose, begin to delve into the deeper mystical experiences and states of bliss that your sexuality can provide.
This happens naturally in a culture where you do not have any guilt and shame around your sexuality and when your energy can flow freely in your body and you have open communication with your partner.
This is very seldom the case, however.
Tantric or daoist lovemaking are some of the ways that you can more deeply explore your sexuality both alone and with a partner.
Various breathing patterns, energetic meditations, and consciousness-raising exercises can assist you in going deeper into these practices.
If you are not sure where to start, feel free to contact me with a bit of your story and I can point you in the right direction.
Many women are able to reach some degree of orgasm alone, but have difficulty having orgasms with their partner. This especially applies to vaginal/g-spot orgasms.
First of all, the key is to allow lots of time for the man to pleasure you–probably not with his penis (which, for most men cannot provide the duration or the consistency of the stimulation required for orgasm to take place).
Instead, after a relaxing massage, allow the man (with lots of lubricant!) to pleasure your with his fingers. Slowly moving from the whole non-erogenous body to the neck and face, then to the breasts, and then to the vulva. Although, there is no necessity of moving further down this list. It may be best to have sensuous touch around the face and ears for quite some time. And very strong emotional and physical reactions can result from this alone.
Or, as long as it is pleasant, simply concentrate on the breasts and nipples with manual play or sucking and gentle biting. You want to get to a place where relaxation is deep and enjoyment is complete. Sometimes ‘diving straight in’ generates too much stress and complete enjoyment is not possible–much less orgasm.
A woman can feel when the desire moves in her body and where she would like to be touched. So simply communicate this.
Now, when you are first starting to learn partner orgasm, plan at least 1.5 hours in. The female body, especially if orgasming with a partner is difficult, requires in general a much longer amount of time until it is ready for direct genital stimulation. Give yourself this time. It may take a few sessions until you feel ready to move on to the vulva. This is just fine.
Once at the vulva, start with massaging the outer lips for some time, then the inner lips. Then, upon receiving permission, move inside and gently probe the inside of the woman’s sexuality. Ever so gently, the partner (I will say man for simplicity’s sake) must listen to his woman and follow her lead.
It’s an exploration and a providing of time and space more than it is a goal-driven experience.
As your relaxation as recipient grows, your sensation, experience, and confidence will increase. Once you are able to experience very expanded ecstatic states through manual stimulation, you are ready to move on to penetrative sex–with the same
Of course, this is dramatically simplified. Feel free to contact me for couples Skype or live coaching about this topic where we can discuss your specific issues to deepen your orgasmic experience.
Discovering orgasm for the first time–which is usually a clitoral orgasm–represents a milestone in the life of each woman who experiences is (unfortunately, statistics indicate that between 10-20% of western women will never have this experience).
If you haven’t ever taken time or space to try to explore orgasmic energy, budget in an hour or so and follow this guide here.
If you have tried that a few times, but still can’t seem to orgasm, engage a partner who is proficient at providing pleasure to your gender.
If that doesn’t work, it is probably time to get some help. Feel free to contact me. We will come to a plan of attack so you can begin having the orgasms that are your birthright to experience!
Warning: This is a graphic depiction of conscious lovemaking. Only read this article if you are an adult and wish to see what conscious lovemaking might look like.
Sarah met John at a party. The chemistry was evident between them at the first moment. Emancipated woman that she was, she invited him back to her place.
She lit a few candles and put on some music and soon enough it began its work-and they found themselves making out on the couch.
She took him by the hand to lead him to the beautifully decorated bedroom. She whisked off her dress and soon he was naked as well.
She kissed him with quick darting of her tongue, and it felt good to him. He kissed and sucked her lips and her tongue more deeply.
She pushed him down on the bed and took his already hard cock into her mouth, expertly sucking and licking him. It was very pleasureable-but something was missing…
“Stop”, he said.
Surprised, she looked up? Stop? No one had ever stopped her before-was she doing something wrong?
“Let’s slow down. Just listen,” he said.
He laid her on the bed and his fingers began to trace very slow meanderings upon her belly. She reached up to stroke his chest.
“Just wait,” he interrupted. He caught her hand and placed it on the bed.
What on earth was he doing?
He continued to trace the circles and her mind was filled with questions.
“Just listen,” he whispered.
“Listen to what?” she wondered.
She began, lacking anything else to do, to pay attention to his fingers on her belly. As she paid attention to the sensations she felt, she began to notice the intensity—for lack of a better word—with which he touched her.
He seemed completely focused on his fingers, as if he was listening to her body through them somehow. Slowly, he moved them up to trace ever so delicately the bottom curve of her breasts.
She found herself letting out an involuntary moan accompanied by a whole body shiver. He was only stroking her—seemingly like many men had done before—yet this had an unusual feeling about it. It seemed not only pleasant…it was right. But right how? And how did he know?
As John continued to gently trace her body, moving over her nipples, caressing her face and her neck, she began to feel as if each part of her were somehow awakening as he ever-so-delicately caressed it.
As he progressed, his movements became slightly faster and with more pressure where it felt good. Again, it wasn’t so much a plan of his as listening for where the next, right place to touch was.
Soon, Sarah noticed that she was breathing deeply in and out-and her body was rolling in waves as the energy—there was no other word for it—flowed through her. His movements were not controlling, but seemed to guide the energy that was flowing through her body through no conscious effort of her own.
Their interaction continued, in every moment it was guided by the principle of presence, listening, and following the energy.
Not performance. He wasn’t there to ‘please’ her.
She wasn’t there to ‘satisfy’ him.
It wasn’t about intellect. They weren’t acting out some fantasy together.
Even as they made love, the lovemaking took on its own rhythm as the bodies seemingly glided together in motions that required no attention, planning, or thought.
It seemed like it lasted forever.
Their connection deepened, afterwards they lay silently and looked into each other’s eyes…
As we engage in conscious sex, we create a connection to ourselves and our partners that we may never have imagined was possible.
Like nursing a baby, it requires no special training or skills. In fact, it requires dropping much of what we have learned or are convinced is true about sexuality.
It requires deep listening. First to oneself. Then to the other. Only then can we begin to deeply connect in a conscious way in the bedroom.
– Bayraba Ven